I See You

What an amazing song right? From an absolutely fantastic movie.

Anyways, that song is related to me at the moment. I really like this guy named Sam Long. I don't care if people know because they'd find out anyways. And as cliche as it sounds, I see the person I want to be, when I'm around him. He brings out only the best in me. It's impossible for me to be mad at him even when he breaks my heart and tells me he's not ready for this yet. It hurts like no other. But I accept it and I live with it. I know he'll come around and until then all I can do is wait.

It really bugs the living hell out of me when people ask me about Sam, and then rudely interrupt me and say what a douchebag he is and how he's an idiot. Or how they dated him for 5 months and it was amazing. I don't give a damn about what you think or how amazing you think he is. God. That really got to me when she kept going on about that. She's lucky I have self control otherwise I would have punched her so hard in the face to shut her up. I don't like it when people have dated the person I like and then dwell on it right in front of me. It's like asking to get their ass kicked. Kind of stupid.

Every blog I write, usually has a meaning. Occasionally, it might be just some random ranting. This one is about heartache I feel on a daily basis. I can sit next to him on the couch and be scared to cuddle or even touch him because all it's going to do is make me hurt more when I go home. No more kisses from him, his hugs aren't the same. But whenever he kisses me on the forehead or the cheek, it feels right. I know he still likes me, he told me. But it's not enough. He used me and Gunnar as an example. He said this about me and him relating to me and Gunnar, "Just because you can make it work doesn't mean you always should."

Dammit. I hate when he's right about things like that. He's very insightful and he only speaks the truth. At least I hope he doesn't lie to me. That would really suck and I would be upset. I cried 3 times at his house today because I was hurting so much about not being good enough. I wish there was a way for me to change to be exactly what he wanted so I could be. But I'm not going to change myself. He should like me for who I am. Not what I can be.

I look into his eyes, and I see him. I see a man, not a boy. It's an interesting take considering he's only 16, but he's more mature than a lot of other guys. And severely immature too at some points. But that's what makes him even better. He knows when to be serious and when to just shut up, listen, and understand.

I see myself. I see him. I see us.
What more could I ask for at this point?