Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Getting Dumped

It sucks. A LOT.

I was so like OMG over Sam. And today he destroys everything. He did it so nicely though that it's so hard for me to be mad at him. He says it's my personality and how I handle stressful situiations. I'm sorry for having severe emotions and getting angry. I can't just let everything go like he can. I wish I could.

Pretty much just a suck day. What's the worst part?

Next Thursday, June 3, was our one month......


Saturday, May 1, 2010

I See You

What an amazing song right? From an absolutely fantastic movie.

Anyways, that song is related to me at the moment. I really like this guy named Sam Long. I don't care if people know because they'd find out anyways. And as cliche as it sounds, I see the person I want to be, when I'm around him. He brings out only the best in me. It's impossible for me to be mad at him even when he breaks my heart and tells me he's not ready for this yet. It hurts like no other. But I accept it and I live with it. I know he'll come around and until then all I can do is wait.

It really bugs the living hell out of me when people ask me about Sam, and then rudely interrupt me and say what a douchebag he is and how he's an idiot. Or how they dated him for 5 months and it was amazing. I don't give a damn about what you think or how amazing you think he is. God. That really got to me when she kept going on about that. She's lucky I have self control otherwise I would have punched her so hard in the face to shut her up. I don't like it when people have dated the person I like and then dwell on it right in front of me. It's like asking to get their ass kicked. Kind of stupid.

Every blog I write, usually has a meaning. Occasionally, it might be just some random ranting. This one is about heartache I feel on a daily basis. I can sit next to him on the couch and be scared to cuddle or even touch him because all it's going to do is make me hurt more when I go home. No more kisses from him, his hugs aren't the same. But whenever he kisses me on the forehead or the cheek, it feels right. I know he still likes me, he told me. But it's not enough. He used me and Gunnar as an example. He said this about me and him relating to me and Gunnar, "Just because you can make it work doesn't mean you always should."

Dammit. I hate when he's right about things like that. He's very insightful and he only speaks the truth. At least I hope he doesn't lie to me. That would really suck and I would be upset. I cried 3 times at his house today because I was hurting so much about not being good enough. I wish there was a way for me to change to be exactly what he wanted so I could be. But I'm not going to change myself. He should like me for who I am. Not what I can be.

I look into his eyes, and I see him. I see a man, not a boy. It's an interesting take considering he's only 16, but he's more mature than a lot of other guys. And severely immature too at some points. But that's what makes him even better. He knows when to be serious and when to just shut up, listen, and understand.

I see myself. I see him. I see us.
What more could I ask for at this point?

Monday, April 26, 2010

Being The Bad Guy

It's been a while. Let's see. Anything new?

Yeah. I broke up with Gunnar.
Now he's trying to get everyone to hate me because I broke his heart. I understand where he's coming from, but he should be mature and accept it. It didn't work out. Oh well. It's high school. He'll live.

Then publicly stating how upset and heartbroken he is not only on my Facebook but his as well just adds to the immaturity. I don't understand why it was necessary but apparently it was.

So I'm the bad guy because I broke up with him. I don't really care. If those people who claimed to be my friend aren't anymore because I'm not with Gunnar, then they aren't really friends.

Thanks to the people who actually understand the situation.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Hakuna Matata

I think it's interesting that this is one of Disney's most famous songs. Yet no one actually follows it. I know I don't. I can hold a grudge forever. I still hold one from the 4th grade. Heh. But I'm sure the reasons people hold grudges are for logical reasons right? Wrong. Well sometimes.

I know the kind of person I am. I don't take crap from anybody, but I can dish out like an all you can eat buffet. But unfortunately, this plays into my relationships too. Gunnar and I are suffering because I'm stubborn and refuse to let go of a guy I am forbidden to have anymore. And maybe for my own good. That's just the kind of person I am. Once I love someone, there is no hating them or disliking them. I usually make an effort to still be friends at least because I don't like it when people are upset with me. I bring a lot of the things I do upon myself. And I own up to that.

I've had a rough life. Maybe not nearly as bad as some of my friends, but everyone has their problems. I speak with emotion and seriousness and intensity when I talk . Which sometimes causes things I say to be taken out of context because it doesn't sound right.

So pretty much the point of this little note was to get it out there to the world that I'm starting to listen to Timon and Pumba.

"You have to put your behind in your past."
Wait that's wrong. I meant,
"You have to put your past behind you."
Bad things happen. You learn from that and you move on.
The end.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

American Idol...

Every time I watch that show, I always wanna sing. I love singing. I personally don't think I'm that good. But it's still fun. It always makes me feel better knowing that there's people out there who suck more than I do. But I definitely give them props for going out and trying to show off what they don't have x)

And then there's the pressure of singing for America and letting them choose. I don't know. I was thinking about maybe trying out when I'm 16 if the show is still going on. If I made it to Hollywood, that would be so crazy. Hmm. Maybe I'll wear a cool costume so I can get noticed on TV too.


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Hmmm Cows?

Wisconsin is pretty cool I have to say. Literally. It's freezing here! But my family is great. School is harder here. And my friends I have are the best I could ask for. I've got Marilyn, who I honestly believe will be the one friend from high school I'll still talk to when I'm 40. Then there's Grant, Marilyn's boy toy (: He's just about as random as me. And then Gunnar. Simply put, best boyfriend my parents and I could ask for myself.

Also, I've noticed how defined the cliques are here at Middleton High School. It's almost as bad as High School Musical. Minus the singing and dancing about the "status quo." It's interesting because I never imagined myself to be sitting at the nerd table. But I sit there with Marilyn, Gunnar, and Grant and all our other super nerd friends. But hey. They're good people.

As far as drama goes, I haven't had much. But it seems that a lot of Gunnar's ex girlfriends have it out for me because I have him and they don't. Which I find very entertaining. I'd like to see a girl take a swipe at me.

Other than that, no major changes have occured. Thank god. More change is not exactly what I need at the moment.

Friday, February 5, 2010

New School, Fresh Start

Well I've been attending Middleton High School for roughly about two weeks. I've made a few friends. Discovered they're all druggies in some form. Oh well. I can deal with that. I've seen a few guys who I looked at twice. Or maybe more. But all things considered, it's pretty normal. I mean I still feel a little alienated because I'm "the new kid." But the kids here are pretty cool.

I really need that. I need a friend I can trust and like not let my severe emotions get in the way of a possible good friendship. I figure for now, it's better to just let the cards fall where they may. That whole "go with the flow" thing. Yeah. I'm doing that. And I'm more than okay with that.

This is a chance for me to start over. And this is me realizing I'm going down a possibly bad path, and stopping myself before I go any farther.